Before you ask. No, we did not have an orgy. No, we did not have wild kink parties. All men identified as cis hertersexual, so they did not date one another, only me. So if that’s what you came here for you can see yourself out. I am not here to fulfill all of your wildest fantasies. What I will be uncovering is much more sexy anyways. The dynamic, emotional teeter-totter of wants/needs, and the organization of a non-monogamous relationship, OH yeah baby. You tingling yet? We normalize by repetition. We normalize by stepping outside of the echo chambers we engulf ourselves in daily on Instagram, Facebook, and our small communities. We normalize by being vulnerable and sharing our stories openly. Here is my attempt at normalizing non-monogamy and the highs and lows of the experience of dating multiple partners at the same time.
3 to be exact.
For those of you who are new here, here’s the back story. In 2018, I met an older French man named Leo in Chiang Mai, Thailand who first introduced me to the concept of Polyamory. My mind went into hyper drive. I had so many questions, I had never heard of another relationship style outside of monogamy. Have you? The narrative that had been spoon fed to me was this: heteronormative, monogamous, relationships were the pinnacle of success in climbing the relationship escalator. What I now understand, that like most of our human life, compulsory monogamy is the simply the “normal” narrative, but not the only narrative. It is not that monogamy by any means is wrong, of course it isn’t. I have had many thriving monogamous relationships. I know many people in incredibly loving, strong, and committed monogamous relationships. However, is it the default setting in most cultures and very little alternatives known.
Relationally speaking, one size, definitely, does not fit all. I am an outcast, weirdo, and misfit by nature. What works for me in my life is typically the polar opposite of my best friends and family. QUE, this very post.
What I love about polyamory, loving multiple people at once, is that it is a consensual practice. Meaning the information, structure, and boundaries of the relationships are disclosed to everyone involved. With rules of course. The secrets, hiding, lying, and cheating, is not acceptable and open communication and vulnerability are applauded and necessary. It forces you to take a good hard look at your insecurities, triggers, and jealousy, which is of course very challenging. BUT, If you are anything like me and love pushing your limits and self-inquiry, polyamory is the ultimate mirror.
Enough of the boring stuff, I know. You’re all sitting there like, “KIRBY, we get it. NOW SPILL!”
Travis and I met in 2018 in Vietnam, coincidentally only a few days after meeting Leo, the one who had introduced me to the term polyamory. After spending a few days together he told me he was indeed, polyamorous. He had been his entire life. Thanks Universe! The rest is history and Travis began guiding me through my first go at a polyamorous relationship. We traveled the world together and moved to a new country every 6 months, which meant meeting A LOT of new people. Pretty constantly. I find that being non-monogamous for me, is personally just more realistic living the nomadic lifestyle that I do. While I am not constantly on the prowl, statistically the likelyhood of me meeting a human being I connect with romantically is much higher than if I lived in the same city, going to the same restaurants and bars, hanging out with the same group of people everyday. I just meet more people, by nature. Which in turn means more potential cosmic connections.
Travis and I had a few rules (or boundaries) for our relationship created over time:
Should we get intimate with anyone else, we let one another know within 24 hours or less. Little to no details shared, unless asked by one or the other. Permission prior to intimacy was not required.
If we went out for the day or to run an errand, we would not set a hard time of when we would be home as you never know who you will meet in the flow and unpredictability of life. This helped to ease anxiety and expectations of one another. Avoiding let down as best as possible. (This was a hard one to learn).
If we were out at a party/gathering together, and one of us met someone else, we would check in with each other.
Are we feeling okay and mentally stable?
Are we in agreement on spending the night apart?
Really, just a check-in. Always. Never, ever, running off without telling eachother where we were leaving. (Irish Goodbye). Ghosting, may I add, is never okay behavior. In any relationship.
No kissing in front of one another before a conversation has been had.
These sacred boundaries, created in time, happened as many mistakes were made. Looking back, I see how unrealistic the idea of static rules are, in any relationship. With new experiences and partners comes very new dynamics. With time comes more trust and less jealousy and comparison. Just as life in general, we must be willing to learn from our mistakes. We must allow grace for the wrong doings and allow for communication, trust, and love to evolve us to new and better versions of ourselves and set new boundaries. We are human beings afterall. Who fuck up and from those fuck ups, have two choices. Evolve and adapt or stay unchanged. Rules, boundaries, adaptations, call them what you will.
The road to a secure partnership with Travis was challenging for me. My ingrained monogamy stood in the way of a freefall into the process. Along the way I needed support and understanding from other Poly humans. I turned to podcasts and social media accounts, when I stumbled across “Amory Podcast”. After a few episodes, I felt understood and less alone. I felt…. dare I say… normal? I reached out to one of the hosts, Kyle, in March 2020 via Instagram and we started to facetime, text, and communicate constantly. Within a few short weeks we began a LDR (long distance relationship), spending countless hours of our separate pandemic lockdowns, together, using technology and love notes. Kyle has a way with words. With Travis and I in Thailand and Kyle and his partner in New Zealand, the space allowed for us to find solace and support in one another with the touch of our fingertips. I was experiencing polyamory for the very first time.
I was in love with two people at the same time. Openly. Honestly. Lovingly.
To the point where I began to facetime not only Kyle, but his partner as well to get to know her and form a friendship with her. Support her. Learn about their dynamic, boundaries, and rules. Travis was always aware of the calls and texts. Never once did I have to “sneak off” to call Kyle. I really learned how to integrate my two separate relationships and also all external parties involved and how vital it was. Kyle and I had little rules, however we always made it a priority to facetime once a day. I had learned through Travis, that rules were created over time. Time and experience that Kyle and I had not been graced with just yet.
After a few months of a LDR, Kyle and I finally met up in San Francisco for the first time for a whirlwind 3 days. The love we shared was very real, and on the block over, Travis was at a seperate airbnb for my comfort. I would spend my days with Kyle and nights with Travis. A few days I stayed with Kyle both day and night. On the last day, Travis and Kyle met for the first time and I was scared shitless. Having two lovers meet, oh God, the anxiety was real. Knowing them both however, I already knew they would get along. They did, wonderfully. Bromance level. We all spent the day together and solidified the fact that we could fucking do this! We were masters of polyamory. I felt unstoppable. On the top of the world.
Fast forward a month, Travis and I moved to Zanzibar. It was business as usual, acclimating to yet again another new country, culture, and life. Meeting new people, finding work, focusing on Travis and I’s relationship, and also finding the time to Facetime with Kyle every day. Eventually I hit a wall. Having dates over the phone became increasingly more painful. I wanted to deepen Kyle and I’s relationship, or atleast see, if that was in the cards for us. After a few weeks and countless conversations we had a serious talk. We had to prioritize OUR relationship and see it through REAL TIME, not Facetime. Which meant a big leap of faith for Kyle and a move to Zanzibar. He finally agreed and booked a ticket.
The waiting game began. Kyle would arrive to Zanzibar in a few weeks where my two boyfriends and I would all move in to a big house together. In the interim, Travis and I began integrating with the community, spending some nights out at bars or friend's houses. One very, very, windy night, a group of us went to a dinner and drinks at a beachfront guesthouse. Hand and hand with Travis under the stars, we sat amongst the group and without fail, got on to the topic of polyamory. Everyone always had questions, comments, and general curiosity as I would explain that my other partner would be joining me in two weeks. I didn’t mind the judgment, concern, interrogations one bit, because the more I talked about it, the more I normalized. Even if my normal is the opposite end of the spectrum than most of society.
Mid conversation my energy is pulled to the doorway, I stop mid sentence to lock eyes with a beautiful, tall man walking in. Waves of intensity, vibrations, tingling, and heat coursed through my body. The best way I can describe it was with the word ‘mamihlapinatapai’, from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego.
"A look that without words is shared by two people who want to initiate something, but neither start."
or
"It is that look across the table when two people are sharing an unspoken but private moment. When each knows the other understands and is in agreement with what is being expressed. An expressive and meaningful silence.”
We held gaze. I noticed his eyes slip down towards my hand that was interlaced with Travis’. He took a seat at the bar and I remained across the room nuzzled between friends and my lover. Glances were stolen and his turquoise eyes pierced through my heart. It felt as if my hands were reaching out in front of me to stroke his biceps and chiseled jawline, but I stayed completely frozen. All, but my eyes taking every chance they could get to meet his. The sensations experienced were pure energy and chemistry beyond my wordly expression. The persistent exchange was haunting, I knew he wouldn’t approach me and I wasn’t willing to ignore these feelings. I HAD to be next to him.
It was here. A moment no one, no books, podcasts, or peer support can ready for you until it is happening. Exercising the true trust and communication of an open relationship. I turned to Travis and told him I was going to sit at the bar for a bit, he nodded, smiled, and winked. I treasured his strength in watching me soar and fly like the free bird that I am.
THIS is why I practice non-monogamy. None of the jealousy or messiness could take away from this very feeling. Sitting next to someone you love so deeply and not having to hide the curiosity and sensations in your body longing for another. Not abandoning or ignoring the signs, but allowing yourself to openly act on them.
I nervously approached the bar and sat right next to the eye catching stranger, his back to me, I took a seat with my knee gently brushing against his, electric shock. A look and a smile, “Hi, I’m Kirby, what’s your name? “Richard,” he replied with a big smile. that’s where I met the most beautifully, unexpected, chaotic lightning strike of love.
I saw a meme the other day that said: “I wanna be mysterious so bad, but I cannot shut the fuck up.” I laughed until I cried at the relatability for me. When I meet someone that I like, all that pours out of me is love and only love. Compliments, questions, and adoration. I want to dig deep fast, leaving not a moment to waste. Life is precious and life is short, so when my heart says, “GO!”, boy, do I put the medal to the metal. As we spoke, I was pleasantly surprised by the conversation, he had so many qualities I was looking for in a partner. He was an incredibly dedicated, hard working, builder, electrician, engineer, farmer, animal lover, boat enthusiast, South African ** (hottest accent IMO), and was just a, dare I say, MAN. My genetic biology and hormones are sometimes undeniable, in that my femininity wants to feel dominated, cared for, and protected by a man of his stature and abilities. He was adventurous, living and working on yachts the passed 5 or so years and had come to Zanzibar to be closer to his family in South Africa. The chemistry was there and the conversation flowed like water.
I wanted him. As more than a lover, but a partner. Lucky number 3.
I couldn’t help myself, but endlessly compliment him. He was shy and blushed like a little school boy. Human beings in all of their messiness, are simply big children, yearning for compassion, love, and kindness in the form of compliments and gestures. I know what makes me feel special, so I try and implement my preferences with everyone I meet, because there is nothing better than feeling truly special.
Not before long, I began to tell him about Travis, Kyle, and Polyamory. He had never heard of it before, but was intrigued to say the least. A bit weirded out. Mostly curious. With a similar lifestyle to mine, I saw the twinkle in his eye, he was willing to try if it meant being closer to me. If it meant getting to explore me. I was excited, exhilarated, and shocked my heart was open to the pursuit. Let the journey begin.
The group began to leave the bar to head to the party down the beach, I quickly introduced Richard and Travis to rip the bandaid off. It was a very casual and easy introduction, I didn’t want to overwhelm Richard, but I did want to gauge his level of comfort. He respectfully shook Travs’ hand and then fell back into the group. To uphold Travis and I’s rules, I pulled him aside and we spoke about what was happening. I openly and honestly discussed that I wanted to spend more time with Richard and getting to know him at the party. Once again, he let me soar and I fluttered over to the company of Richard. We spent the next few hours of the party talking about life, eyes locked on one another like moths to a flame. The body language of two passionate lovers that knew the most intimate parts of one another. The smile of giddy school children, flirting aggressively.
We got closer to one another, our faces practically touching. He asked if it was okay if he kissed me according to Travis and I’s rule #4 (see above). I looked around the party and Travis was nowhere to be found, my lips couldn’t press against his hard enough or fast enough. Everything was happening so fast, the connection we had was undeniable. Nothing and no one around me existed, in that moment it was only him and I. Similar to most of polyamory, when you are truly in love with multiple people at once, when you are spending that precious quality time with one partner you are THERE, present, in the moment with just them. You have to be. It is not a competition of love, but a simple witness to the allowance of so much love distributed to different life forms, and understanding that time together is precious and to really make it count.
**I quickly learned that when the mind is constantly wandering to another, while in the presence of a different partner, something was off. Something was hiding and needed to be talked about. I got to know my intuition and gut very well.**
We almost left together, I wanted to, bad. But Richard was the one who remembered my rule #3 and reminded me we couldn’t just run off together. I had to go speak with Travis first and check-in. Richard was a natural at this and I was floating, I was grateful he helped me avoid a potentially detrimental BOMB. I found Travis sitting alone in the corner, we spoke, he kindly asked if he and I would go home together as he was struggling with his jealousy. I knew exactly how he was feeling, the jealousy can be crippling, and it takes a few days to and relax move from that hyper-anxious state and into a more accepting state of, “they are not my property, I want the best for them. I love them.” I had asked Travis many times not to leave with another woman, and instead stay with me. So, I was gracious to him in return. I went back over to Richard, exchanged phone numbers, kisses, life changing hugs, and made plans to see each other tomorrow.
SCENE 2: The Juggling Act
Tomorrow came, I woke up thinking only of Kyle. I was nervous. He was arriving in 2 shorts weeks and somehow, in the waiting room, I had managed to quickly fall in deep like with another man. I decided that the next best step was hanging out with Richard again sober, before jumping into an overly messy conversation with Kyle. I grabbed my phone, saw Richard’s name, butterflies filled my belly. I look to my left and Travis is sound asleep, legs intertwined with mine. Holy shit, this is crazy, I couldn’t stop thinking that. “Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.” I responded to Richard and we made plans to see each other in the afternoon while Travis was working. Hours later, I walked down white sandy beach of Paje, Zanzibar and saw him sitting at the cafe. We kissed and embraced, I immediately sat in his lap, the “holy shits” came back.
I definitely have to call Kyle… this is real.
As Richard and I kissed, and talked some, mostly kissed, I came to learn that on the same day Kyle would arrive, Richard would be leaving Zanzibar to South Africa. I was devastated. Then the BUT, “But, I want to stay if I can find work…” he coyly smirks. He loved it in Zanzibar and had not lived at home in years. Now, I was an unexpected fork in the road, deviating him (happily) from his plans. I told him we should take a few days apart and let things sort themselves out. If he was meant to stay, he would find work easily. However, I did not want to be THE reason for his staying as I also knew my heart and time were already very preoccupied by two other men.
Selfishly, I didn’t want Richard gone, but I believe if something is meant to be, it will. Effortlessly, easily, flow, when it’s right.
I called Kyle that night and told him everything that had happened within the last 24 hours. You become surprisingly desensitized to honest conversation and communication in ENM. It’s wonderful. Hard conversations become exciting, they become less and less daunting and more of a feeling of triumph! The joy and ecstasy you feel when you’re able to listen with compassion and also hold true to your own boundaries and needs. Kyle was shocked to say the least, but more than anything so understanding. Kyle allowed for my feminine soft sides to show, where I normally defaulted to a more masculine, defensive version of myself. He held space for me to talk, he listened without judgement, and supported me. Just like me, Kyle truly trusts in the effortless flow of the life path. Although, adding another to my mix of men salad, was a shock to him, he trusted that what was meant to work, just will. if Richard was meant to stay, he would. But nothing was stopping Kyle from coming and he would arrive in Zanzibar very soon.
After a few days, Travs’ jealousy subsided and shifted into happiness for me. I was a queen, royalty, being adorned by 3 wonderful men who all offered SO MUCH and such different qualities. A common question I get is, “Well, who do you love the MOST? Which one is your favorite?” That’s the thing, they ALL were vital to fulfilling my wants and needs. I loved them all, it’s like picking your favorite friend, or favorite animal, favorite sibling, you just…can’t. It’s impossible, you love each for such different reasons, but it doesn’t dim that love any or make it mean any less than the other.
Travis, my adventure buddy, full of life and humor, made me laugh everyday so hard, an intellect beyond my greatest measure, wild and free, and the one who let me be me. However, there were needs he did not meet. That’s where Kyle came in. Kyle, so emotionally intelligent, sensitive, supportive and creative, an amazing writer, and so beautifully wove softness into my core. My femininity. He made space for my passion for yoga,writing, and spirituality. However, there were needs he, or Travis, did not meet. Which is where Richard appeared. How do I say, Richard lit me up from the inside out. Made me feel things, all over my body, I had never experienced before. The chemistry was undeniable. He was a passionate kisser, strong, hard-working, could build me a house if I so wished, and just great with his hands… I’ll let your mind go where it may.
I needed all 3. I wanted all 3. I loved all 3.
In the weeks leading up to Kyle’s arrival, Richard found a job. Without seeking it, the job seeked him. It was the assurance I needed from the Universe that this was right. I did not force him to stay, nor was he staying for me, but now for work AND me. Indepence is a non-negotiable quality I need in my partners. I knew I would be incredibly busy not only working myself, but also maintaining my now, 3 relationships. Noticeable co-dependency on me was a no-no.
Kyle was on his way. Travis was interning at a windsurfing school. Richard was staying and was willing to try Polyamory. Everything was perfect. Everything was flowing. My needs were being more than met. I was organizing my time well teaching yoga in the mornings, hanging out with Richard while Travis was at work in the afternoons, and in the evenings spending quality time with Travis. “I can do this,” I thought to myself.
Kyle’s highly anticipated arrival day was there before I blinked. I picked him up from the airport so joyful and excited imagining our LONG awaited life together after online dating for 6 months. Now, the real test began. Not a whirlwind 3 days in San Francisco. No, the real stuff. The cohabitating, the real, honest work that is involved in a relationship, face to face conversations, and physical touch. My heart was quite literally, beating out of my chest as I sat in the backseat of my amazing Zanzibari driver turned friend, Kamaka, on our way to the airport. I wanted to vomit, I tried breathing, closing my eyes, meditating, but I blacked out and the next thing I remember is pulling up to the parking lot right as Kyle comes walking out of the terminal.
My heart was in my throat.
This was it. This was happening.
We ran to each other and embraced, finally. Skin to skin contact. Something about the realness of it all set in real quick. My mind and heart were telling me I was happy, but something in my gut, started to kick and scream.
This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was longing for this man, begging him to come, fighting for us to see it through.
But life, as it is, is not a Romance Novel, it’s messy and wildly unpredictable. Something deep inside of me, from the moment we embraced, started whispering this wasn’t going to work.
I ignored the voice, fears. Silly, silly, fears. Shhhhhhhhh. They’ll go away. Surely. We kissed and that dissolved much of the voices as we headed home, where Travis and Richard were waiting.
What the fuck have I gotten myself into?
In the taxi back, I remember saying to myself, “Kirby, savor this moment of bliss. Where everything is good and happy.”
Because the minute we arrived home. Shit. Hit. The. Fan.
The journey, is only beginning.
xxxx
-The Misfit Mama way in over her head…